“I don’t think it’s a good idea that we see each other again.”
“Umm. Okay? Can I ask why not?”
“I’m not attracted to curvy, chubby girls.”
How can a few words tear your world apart?
Maybe that’s an exaggeration. I’m still living, breathing, smiling, continuing, but there are certain words that never leave your mind.
My first experience with an insult to my body was in Junior High. I’ll never forget. A boy I knew, who was the brother of a friend, called me a heifer. For no reason. I didn’t do anything to him. And I wasn’t obese either. I was carrying a few more pounds than the girls I hung out with. But did that mean I deserve to be insulted in such a way? Now I can look back and think, he’s an ass. He was young, he didn’t know me, he was immature, he didn’t think before he spoke. But those words he spoke to me have never left the back of my mind, despite my strongest efforts to get rid of them.
Little did he know, thanks to his words among other things, the beginning of high school, started the beginning of another sickness of mine. Bulimia.
I struggled with eating too much because I was comforted by food, then feeling so full that my body couldn’t handle it so I had to rid of the food. Unfortunately these acts of mine created shame, loneliness and lower self-esteem.
Something else I struggle with to this day, is the fact that my own sister played a part in my insecurities as well. Today I can say that it wasn’t really her talking. It was the Bipolar disease that led her to insult me. But as a 15 year old girl, I didn’t know the difference. I faced insults at home too, up until about a year before she died. “Those pants look too tight.” “I can’t believe he’s dating you. You must crush him when you sit on his lap.”
Insults coming from someone that’s supposed to love you, unconditionally even, play a large part in how you develop your self-esteem.
I’ve also struggled with the non-verbal aspect. Seeing beautiful people with much less fat on them than I have.. Especially in France where everyone is so healthy..
How is it possible to live in this world and not be suffocated by low self-esteem?
Why is it that someone you hardly know can say something about you and it sticks with you everyday?
I decided a way to overcome it is to talk about it. I believe that everyone struggles with some sort of self-esteem issues, no matter how tiny or large you are, if you’re a model or just an ordinary person. We all have struggles with how we look.
I invite you to talk about it with me. Let’s support each other and not let negative insults bring us down.
Tell me your stories, and how you have overcome these struggles or not, if you still face them everyday.
Love, people. Love will allow us to heal. Let’s love ourselves and others for exactly who we/they are.
❤
Morning Tea With Hilary 